Monday, 19 September 2011

A message to Brad

It came to my attention over the weekend that Brad Pitt was interviewed in some rag somewhere or other. Obviously he was interviewed because he has a new film out. I forget which. But it's probably not very good.

You'd expect him to talk about, I dunno, the film? But what he actually did was slag Jennifer Aniston off and declare that he's never been happier than he is with Angelina Jolie (she of the cadavorous body and fish lip pout which apparently epitomises what all men want to stick their bits inside). He said his time with Jen - and that would be his MARRIAGE - was boring. That he was not being who he wanted to be.

Now, I feel an affinity with Jen, so I do. Around the same time it all came out that Brad was doing the dirty with the Hollywood town bike, I found out that my boyfriend at the time had been doing the dirty with someone not quite as glamorous. Our split coincided with the Pitt/Aniston divorce and so I spent a lot of time weeping and reading articles about Jennifer and how badly she had been treated. Which  very swiftly turned into a swathe of journalists attacking her, because obviously she must have been doing something wrong if hubby wanted to stray. Clearly it must be her fault for not being interesting enough for Mr Beige himself.

And then some of the press started to attack Jolie. I'm no Angelina fan - mostly because i haven't seen her in a single film that's any good, and secondly because obviously I'm jealous - but for fuck's sake. How did no one turn the spotlight onto the dufus in the middle of this? How is it when a man cheats, it's always somehow a woman's fault? Either they're the evil temptress who lured his penis out of his trousers with the power of her tits, or they're the wife who didn't do enough/wasn't thin enough/wasn't ENOUGH that bored him into accidentally sticking his willy into someone else.

Either way, it's never the man's fault. You know, the adult man who had seen fit to marry this woman. I get that relationships end. I get that marriages fail. But Ms Aniston has had to seemingly endure seven years of speculation of what she did wrong to drive hunky Brad away.

Maybe, just maybe, Brad was thinking with little Brad, got caught and made the leap. And who wouldn't want to be married to Angelina? She looks TONNES of fun. Acquiring six children in less time than it takes for most people to choose a pair of shoes is TOTALLY normal. And Brad looks GREAT since he's been with her. That whole hobo chic/knackered/harrassed/borderline hysterical thing REALLY suits him.

The man is a douche. He's a douche who has no sense of self. Have you ever seen pictures of when he was with Gwynnie? Google them. They had the SAME HAIR. Then he went out with Jen and became all slick and clean cut and dressed in Prada, you know, exactly like she does. And now he's with the she-bitch, obviously he looks like he got dressed in the dark. Because she's all gothic and that, see? It's ALMOST like he has no personality of his own and leeches off whoever is the unfortunate object of his affections.

Anyway, I guess my point is, how about shutting the fuck up Brad? You pussy whipped dick. I give it another couple of years max before she dumps you and moves on to someone less spineless.

Plus you were shit in Mr and Mrs Smith.

And you're increasingly looking like a hamster.

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