I've had a weird few days, punctuated with a couple of hours sleep here and there. I've been out too much and I'm fucking knackered. In between burning the candle at all ends (no thanks to the lovely bout of insomnia I'm currently enduring) I have stumbled across the new series of X Factor.
Now, I'm a Strictly girl. I bloody love it. It's hilarious. And while not being able to sleep last night I caught up on the launch shows. I mean, when I say I love it, obviously I loathe 'Sir' Bruce Forsyth and the horse faced lady that co-hosts with him. I said that dismissively like I don't know who she is. Of course I know who she is. She's all round media whore Tess Daly. The one who's married to that massive lump of stupid, Vernon Kaye. You know, the lanky one who presents really shit gameshows and has 'trendy' hair. Oh, and he got caught sending sexeh texts to bimbos.
As usual, Tess looks like she's been styled by a blind person. A sort of cadaver in rags with red lipstick. She's so very very skinny her fake norks stick out like footballs on a rib cage. And she's orange. Bruce is just an idiot. The guy was an idiot in the 70s, I'm fucked if I can understand why the hell he's endured as some national treasure. I skip through Bruce and Tess's cringe inducing double act and get to the dances. They're scraping the proverbial with this series I tell you. I only recognise Jason Donovan who has some movvvvvvvvvvvves, man. Must have been all that hoofing about when he played Joseph. Or Scott. Do you remember when Guy Pearce was in Neighbours?? And Russell Crowe. Madness.
There's also a guy called Dan Lobb on Strictly. Apparently he was a tennis player. Maybe a golfer. Something like that. And now he hosts Daybreak, which I think is like GMTV but with more fake tan. I think. Anyway, the point is he's a friend of my boss at one of my myriad jobs, so you should all vote for him, if you are inclined to vote for these types of shows. Which I sincerely hope you're not if you're on any of my friends lists. So, actually, just support him from the sidelines, yeah?
After the Strictly starter, I moved on to the X Factor main. I usually don't have two courses. It makes me sick.
An assorted bunch of - mostly weeping - people greeted my bemused gaze. It was the judge's 'houses', which is obviously bollocks. The lass out of N Dubs is apparently besties with Jessie thingie, and Robbie Williams was on it (WHEN did Gary get sexier than Robbie? When? Obviously I would still do both of them. So would you. Just admit it), and even though Simon Cowell is no more, Sinitta is somehow still peddling her wares on it. Weird.
Some strange looking child says: "It's not the end of the world if I don't get through, but it kind of is the end of the world."
Closely followed by a couple of fat girls, one of whom says: "I don't want to be a nobody, I want to be a, sniff, sob, somebody."
Another girl who is apparently 25 but looks at least 20 years older looks into the camera soulfully, while saying: "Today's probably the biggest day of my life. I have to get a yes." Mascara streaks down the face, carving rivulets into the layers of fake tan.
Everybody, but EVERYBODY, is crying. Great rivers of snot cascade through the wailing wannabes. Very little actual singing seems to be occurring.
Louis Walsh then patronises someone who appears to have actual mental health problems, who has made it through the boot camp, whatever the fuck that is. After spinning it out for at least 12 hours, he informs the seemingly special individual that he IS through to the live shows. What the fuck is this guy on? Seriously? He's put someone through he CLEARLY isn't ever going to be a pop star, in fact he's never going to be anything but a source of ridicule. Even his family didn't believe it when he called them.
Other people say things like: "If it ends I'll be going back to a hell hole. I'll be going back to Moss Side." Snigger.
A small child comes out with: "This is massive to me, this is really massive. I've been doing this since I was 14." He's 16.
A woman of almost 50 is crying uncontrollably. She was also a laughing stock. She was the one that got through on comedy value but didn't realise.
For the love of Simon Cowell. Louis Walsh is evil, he's put through not one, but two people who are clearly mentally disturbed and a borderline case. What the fuck are they thinking? Why are they allowing this to happen? Not one of these people is going to reach the dizzying heights of Cher Lloyd or whatsisname. You know, the one who won last year. He wore a cardigan a lot. And a hat.
More gems follow: "If I get a no, I'll be back in the building site/Tesco/card shop/office/bar on Monday." Yeah? And? If you don't get through you'll have to have like a normal job? And earn money? Instead of instant fame and riches? THE HUMANITY.
"If Louis believes in me then maybe I'll believe in me a bit." Possibly one of the most
heartbreaking comments ever made.
Carbon copy girls in hot pants and big hair line up to come out with pearls such as:
"If I don't get through I'm literally back to shcool. There is no other option to me." Soooo, if you don't get through you have to go back and have a state funded education? HOW VERY TRAUMATIC FOR YOU.
"This is literally all I want." LITERALLY? IS IT? No sustenance? Shelter? No? Just LITERALLY this?
They waft Miami in front of these stupid, naive, damaged people. Fancy houses with pools. Expensive cars. Nice clothes. Makeovers. New teeth. Hair extensions. Look at what you could have, proles. Look where you could be if the X Factor grants your wishes. The genie in the bottle, eh? The big, fat, malevelont Simon Cowell shaped genie in the bottle. All these children and mentally disturbed people need to do is rub him in just the right way and all the riches can be theirs.
I weep for humanity.