Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Tearing off tights with my teeth

Not literally. Obviously. It is, of course, a lyric from Insomnia. Which I have used to illustrate the fact that for approximately the 15th night in a row, I can't fucking sleep.

So instead I'm smoking a, frankly ill advised, fag and listening to the millionth episode of The Ricky Gervais Show. You've got to love Karl Pilkington.

I remember the days when I couldn't stay awake. I remember sleeping through parties, through university, through Sundays. Sleeping till 2pm was the norm. I remember my parents yelling at me every fricking day to get the fuck out of bed.

How is it that these days, sleep eludes me unless I take valium. How?

I can't turn off the swirling nonsense in my brain. I can't shut the voices out. I try reading, and all that happens is I end up reading an entire book in a night. I even watched Glee, thinking that would send me off. But I started getting involved in it and watching an entire series. I've tried writing. Shit, I've even tried working. And nothing helps.

It could be because I've been ill for about the 18th time this year. Last night for instance, I was knackered. Absolutely knackered. Late night on Saturday followed by work on Sunday should have allowed me to drop off like a normal person. But instead I spent four hours hanging over the toilet being inexplicably sick.

Now that's stopped and I'm just sitting here. Albeit it with a very dodgy stomach. Maybe it's that.

But if I could just switch my brain off. I mean, is it normal? Is it normal to be analysing every, single situation from every, single angle? Is it normal to be wondering if I should channel my energies away from being angry every day to, I dunno, being kinder to people? Would that make me feel better? Would that help?

I tried it in Tesco the other day, as it goes. There was an old woman faffing with packing her shopping. You know how they do. It seems to come as a surprise that, once they've pissed about finding the money and counting out the change, they have to put the shopping in bags and move away fast. Because the next person, ie. me, is standing there wishing they'd hurry the fuck up so they can leave this horrible place full of chavs and BOGOF deals.

Usually I wouldn't say anything, but I would radiate impatience until they've gone. This time, I looked at her and said: "It's fine, take your time." And she said: "Oh, I'm so sorry, dear." And she was nice. And I said: "Honestly, it's fine, I'm not in a rush." And she calmed down and managed to pack it up and then she thanked me. And it was nice. It was a nice feeling.

Perhaps what I need to do is stop being so fucking self obsessed and think about other people more. Maybe then I could actually sleep.

Among the many books I'm currently reading (Snuff by Terry Pratchett - Sam Vimes centric Discworld novel - obviously brilliant; Mad, Bad and Dangerous - a study of the treatment of mental illness from 1700 to the present - very interesting; Catch 22 - for book group - very funny; Karl Pilkington's latest - again, because he makes me laugh) I'm reading one called How to be Kind.

I have a plethora of self help books. Because I do like to fit the stereotype of a neurotic spinster cat lady in every way possible. (As an aside, someone in the pub actually, in all seriousness, called me a spinster the other day. Apparently it's 1865). I have them all. I have ones about anxiety, ones about agoraphobia, ones about depression, ones about breaking up, dating, how to stop thinking about your ex, how to stop being angry, the list goes on and on and on.

But when I was in the library I found this book called How to be Kind. It's an interesting idea. Be nice to people and you'll feel better about yourself. I quite like it.

I find it easy to be caring and nice to people I know and love. I would do pretty much anything for my good friends. I don't mind putting myself out in any way at all for them. It's people I don't know I can be impatient with. People who I don't click with immediately that I unconsciously dismiss. Or people that have pissed me off, I can hate with the fire of a thousand suns. I hold on to grudges and find it very difficult to forgive.

Maybe that's where I should concentrate on making changes. Worth a try, eh?

Now I have word vomited all over this blog, maybe I can GET SOME SLEEP.

Good night.

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