Yeah, I know. Triple whammy of blog posts. It's called procrastination. And tense, nervous energy.
There's tonnes of things I could be doing right now. Should be doing in fact. Things that range from laughing at Fatman getting high on catnip to finishing the pug's head to deciding whether or not to just get the boots from the asos sale.
But while I have been doing stuff, I have also had my favourite friend in the room - the TV.
Things that I have caught bits of tonight include the new series of America's Next Top Model. Fricking hilarious. For the uninitiated, this is a reality show that brutally cuts down a group of stick thin gazelle-limbed girls who all look like bambi on heroin until there is but one single, emaciated winner, who then gets some ropey magazine deal and maybe a Cover Girl commercial. Suffice to say, it's taken extremely seriously by the girls. Not so much by Queen Tyra who presides over the starving children at her mercy and thoroughly enjoys ripping their tiny ideals apart and jumping on the pieces. Her trick this year is to tell a load of them they've been booted off and then back track and shout 'surprise' as she informs them they actually HAVE got through.
Half of them collapsed into a quivering wreck of bones and bling, genuinely confused as to what the hell is going on. For the rest of the episode you get to watch them visibly dissolve into paranoid wrecks as they clearly expect Tyra to leap out and screech: "psyche" while chucking their suitcases out of the window.
There's one who looks like her jaw is actually going to cut through her skin, it's that sharp. She has cheek bones that would severely damage any guy who goes anywhere near her. There's another one who really does look like a 19 year old skinny indie boy, which Tyra says is 'in'... I mean she looks EXACTLY like a boy.
The rest of them spend the time picking listlessly at plates of food (I think it's a contractual thing to show them eating once an episode so no one can point the finger at a show that's blatantly encouraging anorexic, vulnerable young girls to learn to further loathe themselves on the basis of a completely subjective and flippant comment from the panel of 'judges'.
After that I watched a bit of University Challenge. I adore it when Paxman gets all irritated when they take more than three nanoseconds to answer. "Come ON. Come ON." They all look terribly young. I can no longer tell the difference between anyone between 15 and 25 without IDing them.
Then it morphs into Embarrassing Bodies. I was vaguely aware of it because people were talking about sagging boobs and back acne. But I just happened to look up as a young girl happily spread her legs for that weird doctor who has no body fat and a bad hair transplant after complaining of itchiness and discharge.
"How long have you had these symptoms?"
I was thinking a couple of days... maybe a week. That would be normal, right?
"A year and a half." More than 500 days of her life have been spent oozing an itchy prurient discharge. And it didn't occur to her to go the free doctor that she is entitled to? Or go online and see that some canesten would clear that right up? Or even watch the fucking TV for the constant adverts aimed at women's problems? No, she waits a year and a half and then shows her vagina to the nation on TV.
Is anyone else confused by this programme? I understand the ones who have horrendous problems that need expensive or specialist surgery. I think that they are brave. It's sad that they have to prostitute their diseases in return for high class medical care, and in some cases, ANY medical care. It's all a bit John Merrick for me. But I sort of get that.
But people like this lass who clearly has thrush - why wait? Why put it on TV? Why? I looked up just as the doc was describing the discharge as "oozing" and I saw something that I cannot now unsee. I was also eating peanut butter at the time and had a moment or two of fighting with my gag reflex. Actually I'm fighting it again right now. Seriously. She is never getting laid ever again.
And after all that, he's like: "Get some canesten."
So, over to Dancing With the Stars. This is the US version of Strictly Come Dancing. But it has proper people on it. It has Ricky Lake! And David Arquette! You know, the Hollywood actor (of sorts). And some girl from The Hills! And Chas Bono - that's Cher's daughter who is now a man. Yes, really. It's awesome. I highly recommend it.
I have also been reading Catch 22 and pondering the dichotomy paradox. So don't be thinking I'm a dumbass, yeah?