Saturday, 28 January 2012

30 things I will not do as a customer in a pub

So, as a customer in a pub, here are some of the things I will not do:

1. Do my best to attract the attention of the (very busy) bar person and then 'forget' what I was supposed to be ordering.

2. Order one drink and then when the (very busy) bar person is half way through pouring it, change my mind.

3. Go up to the bar and say: "Can I order some drinks?" and expect the answer to be anything other than: "It's a fucking BAR. All we sell are DRINKS. Of course you can fecking order a drink, you IDIOT."

4. Use the phrase: "Can I get..." as in "Can I get a beer?" This is not America. Ask properly. Preferably using "Please" in there somewhere.

5. Call Kronenberg "1664" instead of Kronenberg.

6. Stare blindly at the (very busy) bar person who is asking me what I would like to drink and then, even though I've been waiting at the bar for 10 minutes, act all surprised when I'm asked to place my order.

7. Order off menu.

8. Complain when there is a millimetre too much - or too little - head on my pint and insist the (very busy) bar person adjusts it to my exact specifications, all the while wearing an expression that says: "Call yourself a bar person? I can pour a better pint than that in my sleep."

9. Get pissy with the (very busy) bar person when they ask me for the money and I - ridiculously and inexplicably - have waited until I have watched the (very busy) bar person pour my round of 10 drinks before I even start to try and find my purse.

10. Count out change into a pool of beer on the bar and take upwards of ten minutes doing so.

11. Order a jager bomb and argue about how much Red Bull should be in there. Some say a third of a can, some say half. Who knew it was such an exact science?

12. Order a cocktail when the bar is so busy the (very busy) bar person hasn't been able to go for a piss for the last four hours.

13. Order a coffee in the same circumstances.

14. Click my fingers at the (very busy) bar person and expect a response other than said bar person pretending not to see me for the next half an hour.

15. Say "Smile, it may never happen" at the glass collector.

16. Refuse to leave the pub even when all the bar staff have piled up chairs around me and are all staring at me with barely concealed fury.

17. Ask for a lock in when not a member of staff.

18. Puke in a pint glass and then leave it for the bar staff to clear up.

19. Drip candle wax all over the table just because "I'm bored".

20. Vomit copiously all over the toilets and then return to the bar for more drinking.

21. Letch over the (very busy) bar person and ask them repeatedly for their number until said bar person is fantasising about sticking straws in my eyeballs.

22. Pinch the arse of the (very busy) bar person as she or he is trying to pick up hundreds of glasses.

23. Order three or four drinks and then, when the (very busy) bar person lines them up, inexplicably wander off to "find out what the others want".

24. Pay for every single tiny round I buy with a credit card.

25. Get pissy when there isn't a pool table instantly available.

26. Book a table and then not turn up.

27. Order an entire round and then when the (very busy) bar person comes to ask for the money, have "gone to the toilet".

28. Order ridiculously made up shots that involve 12 layers of spirits.

29. Repeatedly try and hug the glass collector and not pick up the signals of barely suppressed rage.

30. Dance wildly into a waitress carrying three plates of food.

These are just some of the things that I will not do as a customer in a pub.

It was my last shift tonight and it was sad. I will miss getting covered in beer slops and unnamed sticky stuff. I will miss the, um, eclectic mix of music played by the lovely northern DJ. I will miss the moments of camraderie that tend to occur when under metaphorical fire from the drunkards on the other side of the bar. I will miss getting so angry over inconsequential things. I'll miss putting 5 million steaming hot glasses away. Hell, I'll even miss being yelled at.

Bye bye bar job. It's been emotional.

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