Friday, 27 January 2012

Sleep paralysis

Are you not supposed to feel energised by a Major Life Decision? Isn't it supposed to infuse you with a sense of purpose and that? Ever since I made the MLD I have been fighting an overwhelming urge to sleep. Every time I start thinking seriously about everything I have to do in order to transport my life up to York it becomes overwhelming and I think: "After a little nap I'll be able to deal with it all much better." And then the nap turns into a 12 hours snooze marathon, complete with weird and unnerving dreams and then I wake up exhausted and start the whole thing over again.

This happens to me in times of extreme stress. Either I can't sleep at all and I'm bouncing round my flat at 3am feeling, and quite possibly, acting a bit weird, or it's like I'm constantly trying to fight my way out of a coma.

I'm no good at sorting stuff out. I should be making Excel spreadsheets and thinking logically. I hadn't even worked out my monthly outgoings till a friend came round and wrote it all down for me. I keep thinking about what's lurking in the cupboard under my stairs and then my brain just kind of tiptoes away because it doesn't want to deal with it. And, oh god, under the bed. There's things under the bed that no one needs to see. Ever. And I have to deal with it all.

Surely it's just easier to stay here for, like, ever? I can just live here and do what I've been doing and it'll all be fine. No one actually needs change and excitement do they? I can atrophy here, it'll be grand. They can come and dig me out in 20 years when I'm subject of a Channel 5 documentary: The woman who was eaten by cats and not found for three years.

But then I keep getting little frissons of excitement. OK, so I don't know anyone up there, but I might meet some awesome people. I am looking forward to getting some clients of my own and working on them how I work best. I get to run around the City Walls. I get to press my nose up against the Vivienne Westwood shop window and not actually ever go on because they look too snotty and intimidating. I get to find a new place to live with an actual spare room and spare bed and a garden for Fatman to explore. This is all very excellent. I just need to stop sleeping so I can make it happen...

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