"Thank you for registering with BT. Your first bill is £62.50, due now."
How the fucking bejeesus is it £62.50? I've been in this house for 12 days. I have made precisely one phone call on that line. How in FUCK can I possibly owe you £62.50?
"Thank you for changing your address with Lloyds TSB online. Please find enclosed forms that you must fill in and bring into the nearest branch."
Right. So your convenient online system involves you sending out forms which I then have to fill in and physically bring to the branch? I see, yes. That makes total sense. How very convenient.
"Here is your new tax code for 2012/2013. When you cease claiming jobseekers allowance it will be altered."
Er. What now? Would that be the jobseekers allowance I stopped claiming in May 2011? THAT jobseekers allowance? So the fact that I was registered self employed and was paying you National Insurance for the last seven months, details of which I know you have on record, didn't alert you to the fact that perhaps I signed off the dole?
"We estimate you will be paying £60 for gas a month and £40 on electricity. We have set up your direct debit mandate for these amounts."
Yes, yes, that sounds about right. If I was a family of six. Twats.
"We have now amended your records to show that you are single occupancy in order to get the discount. Please find attached your first bill."
Oh thanks. That's great. Oh, wait, it's showing I owe you the full amount. There's no discount. Wait... how? No, don't take it out of my accou.... oh bollocks.
All utilities can go fuck themselves. A new acquaintance up here in York says his way of dealing with all this shit is to just run away and assume they'll never find him. He's 21 so he doesn't know yet that they ALWAYS find you. But it's looking remarkably appealing right now.