Have you got any ID?

No. I don’t have any ID. Do you know why I don’t have any ID? Because I’m thirty-fucking-six-years-old. I didn’t need ID when I was buying booze and fags as a 14 year old, so I’m fucked if I know why I’m constantly being asked to provide it now.

I don’t have any photo ID because I don’t drive, since you ask. And, no, I will not be bringing my passport into One Stop in order to be allowed to buy a £5 bottle of wine. You twats.

This happened to me on Saturday. I had had a trying day and felt like some wine. Even though I apparently can’t drink it without feeling nauseous. The risk seemed worth it. Anyway, I went to the counter and was met with the now familiar dead eyed stare of a cashier who is going to ask me for ID. And who is not going to let it go.

“Have you got any ID?”

“No. I’m 36”

“Well, I can’t sell it to you.”

“I’m sorry. Perhaps you didn’t hear me. I’m THIRTY-SIX years old. In four years I will be FORTY. I don’t have ID because I don’t drive and I’m not bringing my passport in to have the privilege of buying some shitty cheap wine.”

“Well, it’s not my fault.”

I decided to challenge this as I was pretty sure it was her fault.

“Do you literally ID everyone?”

“Everyone who could be under 25.”

“Look at me. LOOK AT ME. Do you REALLY, HONESTLY think I could POSSIBLY be under 25?”

She sold me the wine. Begrudgingly. As if she was doing me the biggest favour ever.

Then something struck me. “So it’s still legal to drink at 18?”

“Yes.”

“But you have to be 25 to buy it?”

“No, you have to look 25.”

Flaw in the system, surely? I’ve seen with my own eyes plenty of teenage girls who could easily pass for a 45 year old WAG and therefore can presumably purchase their Apple Sours with aplomb, but a young(ish) looking mid-thirties person gets treated like a fecking criminal trying to buy emergency wine.

And surely it’s completely subjective anyway? When I worked in the pub, I had to ID people. But 80% of the customers looked about 12 to me. I can’t tell ages very well at all. Neither, let’s face it, could this lady.

Anyway. I got my wine. And yes, it did make me feel sick. But also drunk. So that’s good.