Saturday, 9 June 2012

Deborah translates



"I really think I have feelings for you" means "I will shag you if you turn up and there's nothing better going on."

"You intrigue me" means "Which one are you again?"

"No one understands me like you do" means "You feed my fragile ego just enough for me to bother talking to you."

"I think about you all the time" means "Once when I was knocking one out your tits came into my head"

"I didn't mean to hurt you" means "I didn't even notice I was hurting you"

"I'm sorry, I'm such a bad person" means "Please just get off the phone so I don't have to deal with this"

"You mean so much to me" means "Will that do? Now will you get off the phone so I don't have to deal with this?"

"It just happened" means "I was keeping you on the backburner love, just in case this other bird didn't work out, but it did, so I have no use for you anymore"

"Darling" means "I can't remember your name"

"Babe" means "You're a girl that I probably would shag if you were in my immediate vicinity so I shall throw you this bone of pseudo-affection just to keep you hanging on on the offchance that I don't meet something better/more convenient/younger in the meantime"

"I'll pay for the flight you booked to come and see me" means "Of course I won't pay for your flight. What I will do is boot you off Facebook and pretend you don't exist"

Yeah I'm still upset. Yeah, I'm venting. No, this isn't a passive aggressive message to him as he dumped me off Facebook straight away so he won't be reading it. Which, by the way, really pissed me off. Funny how Facebook is like the last kick in the teeth in these situations. Sometimes I wish it was still 1992 when there was only two ways for a boy to make you feel like shit: face to face or on your parent's landline. There are just way too many forums to be insulted in 2012.

Right, I'm off to do something with my rage. I might go and kick a busker.

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