Sunday, 10 June 2012

I hate you Nick Jojola

Firstly, can I just say that I am writing this on my new iPad using a Bluetooth keyboard. When I think of how excited we were in 1997 to know people who owned mobile phones but weren't even drug dealers, it kind of blows my tiny mind.

It IS the future. Now. This is it. And as long as all we want out of the future is new and faster ways to look at pictures of cats then we are all good. I jest, of course. The advances in technology are genuinely mindblowing. The speed with which we got from there to here is phenomenal. My childhood was filled with Game and Watch, Little Professor (basically a calculator that asked you to do sums - that's what passed for fun in 1988) and a clunky video player that dad 'borrowed' from work (for 20 years). It didn't even record but we did use it to pirate video tapes and it was all mine.

Now kids grow up learning to write on a fricking iPad. I dunno whether it's a good or bad thing. Good, I guess. And I am completely enamoured with Kindles and iPads and,well, all of it really. Although less so with my HTC Sensation. Barely a year old and it's chugging away like it's being powered by an asthmatic ant on a treadmill. It's buggy and unreliable and slow and really quite annoying.

I'm sort of glad I tried to leave Apple but I am definitely being sucked back into its fruity bosom now. Helped, it has to be said, by a reminder from someone on Facebook about this:




Yes. That's THE Nick Jojola urging you to jump out of a plane while taking a shit photo AND filming AND uploading ALL BEFORE YOU HIT THE GROUND. It seems to be the only clip I have ever seen on Youtube that has united the world's trolls, bloggers and commenters in their universal hatred of its utter wankess.

In years to come it will be shown as the defining moment of when hipsters and advertising ate itself. It's horrific. It's somehow so 80s in its conception and yet it is utilising all of this amazing technology. It insults and demeans photographers as well as its target audience. It implies that taking a quick snap, perhaps using Instagram, is somehow up to the standard of the front cover of Vogue. It's embarrassing in its attempt to appeal to, actually, what? To who? Who the fuck does this appeal to? WHO would watch this and think: "Ah, Nick Jojola recommends this. I shall buy one?" WHO?

It's bad enough having celebs endorsing every fucking thing we're supposed to buy. A while back I joked about Olympic athlete themed tampax adverts. It happened, people. Advertisers apparently think if they scrawl a suspect 'signature' on anything, it will be willingly snapped up by the retarded sea of amoebas out there with their credit cars primed and ready. And now we're getting stuff endorsed by someone no one has even heard of. He's apparently a fucking student according to the ad. Who gives a fuck what students think about ANYTHING?

I dunno what the hell HTC and whatever crap agency created this abortion of an advert were thinking. But I expect it was fuelled by the old Columbian marching powder. I sort of hope it was because otherwise my brain just does not compute how such a pile of execrable fuckwittery was ever greenlit by anyone ever.

I saw the title of another video which was BEHIND THE SCENES. I read up to: "Did we really do it? Meet the team who risked their lives..." Anyone willing to risk their life for this piece of shit deserves to hit the ground hard.

I hope they make a sequel where Nick Jojola falls on his smug, hipster face. And then someone takes a picture and uploads it to Facebook. ALL BEFORE SCRAPING HIS SHATTERED BODY FROM THE GROUND.

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