I'm so proud to be British. And so grateful to David Cameron for shaping my moral conscience and leading the way in condemning those who should be brought to justice. War criminals, despots, thieving MPs and profligate, greedy, lying Lords, bankers and Gary Barlow. Are among those who have our PM's full and righteous support.
Davey C (as I like to call him, for he is down with the common man) is a man with his finger firmly on the pulse of the real Briton, clearly shown by the lack of the usual political flim flammery when it comes to making good on the promises of a manifesto we've all forgotten about anyway. His Big Society ideal makes me sad I didn't have children in time for them to witness this grasping of the real issues of the people and the intelligent and erudite man, nay, hero at the helm of the great ship Britain.
Oh, and I've forgotten all about that long list of criminals and warlords who are routinely supported, rewarded and rearmed by our PM. Because this week he has reminded me of the real issue of import. The real reason the economy is fucked up the arse and we're doomed to a future of eating gravel by candlelight. The real reason we are three Big Macs away from anarchy at any given moment and will soon be administering snake oil to our sick in lieu of an actual health service.
It's all his fault.
Has he gone done something illegal? No, no he hasn't. Has he gone done something bad like murder, rape or the systematic dismantling of the NHS? No, no, not that. Much worse than that. Jimmy Carr has done something that casts a shadow on our great nation of morally upright bankers, economists, lawyers and politicians. Something that will make them shudder over the morning papers at breakfast with the wife, and brunch with the rent boy. Something that could even cause them to leave their tiny baby behind in the pub.
Yes. He has taken part in a totally legal, government-ignored (when it's for other people, like that lovely Gary Barlow. Didn't he do a fabby job with the Jubilee concert? Did you see him with that adorable Cheryl Cole. Wasn't she done for a racially aggravated assault once? Oh, must be my mistake. Such a lovely girl. And so natural), tax-avoidance scheme.
Davey C took the tellybox to inform the nation that Jimmy Carr - that's comedian Jimmy Carr - is morally unsound. Davey C must have forgotten that humungously rich Tory backers Lord Ashcroft and David Rowland avoided paying tax in Britain when he gave them their top jobs.
Perhaps he's also forgotten that his very own daddy built the family fortune using tax havens in Panama City and Geneva. And the lovely Scottish island he goes on holiday to - Jura - which is owned by his daddy-in-law, is owned by a company registered in the Bahamas.
Still, he's right. It's all that dastardly Jimmy Carr's fault. Jimmy's accountant asked him if he would like to pay the least amount of tax that is legally possible. Jimmy said yes. What a bastard. What a BASTARD.
And Gary Barlow? Tory supporter Gary Barlow? That Gary Barlow? The one who puts his cash into Icebreaker investment schemes which also cut tax? Davey C has been quiet on that score. He didn't think he should comment on personal tax arrangements, you see.
Apart from Jimmy Carr.
What. A. Guy.