Friday, 20 July 2012

A gap in the clouds

I'm generally such a happy go lucky type, with a keen eye for the positive side of every situ....Bahahahhahahaha.

Obviously, I'm not. I'm cynical to the point of psychosis and brutally realistic about the likelihood of almost everything going to shit. I don't like joining in things; I get angry with crowds of people (they're always so noisily and ostentatiously happy aren't they?); I get angry when people swallow too loudly and I hate it when people scrape their bowls with their spoon. You know? When they get to the bottom of whatever they're shovelling down their necks they bang away at the bottom of the receptacle like they will, any minute now, magic up some more yoghurt from the ether. Just STOP it. You idiot. You're finished. Done. Nothing left. No matter how much you scrape and scrape and scrape, it's never going to be worth the effort your expending and the annoyance it's causing other people. Namely, me.

Therapists, counsellors and friends have often extolled the virtues of concentrating on the given moment, thereby excluding all other worries, stresses or annoyances. Being in the moment is surely the answer to every mental ailment? For if you truly are just there and not thinking of the future, the past, the consequences, the mights, the things you could have, did have or want, then surely all that is left is peace of mind?

Rarely does this happen. I find it difficult. Right now, for instance, I was getting all carried away in that sentence and then got randomly pissed off with the boy next to me taking fucking aeons to eat his crisps and thus make me feel I am living the Quaver experience with him. I would make a very bad yogi. Or monk. Very bad.

But, just now, on the train, I looked out of the window at a beautifully intense sky, with clouds split by rays of sunlight. Just outside Derby and the sky looks like a Titian wet dream. It's stunning. Beautiful. Heartbreakingly breathtaking. And as I looked, the sun suddenly burst through the clouds fully and triumphantly and streamed onto my face. I closed my eyes and for five minutes I was not thinking about anything at all. And it felt great.

I'm going to look up more often.

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