You know that Katie Holmes? You know. She was, urm, thingie from Dawson's Creek. Joey. Joey from Dawson's Creek who spent years unfathomably lusting after Dawson himself. And talking in a really over analytical way. And apparently being prettier than the blonde one who was actually much better looking on account of not having that strange wonky eye and mouth effort.
Anyway. Her. A few years ago she very quietly, almost impercetibly, got together with Tom Cruise. You might not have noticed. They were very discreet. There was only that small sofa jumping episode on Oprah and the turning up to the Mission Impossible III (I think, could have been 1 or 2, I really can't be arsed to check) on the back of the tiny man's motorbike.
There were a few reports at the time, I seem to recall, about how Tom Cruise's Scientologist handlers/mates/devotees spent a while interviewing potential wives for the Biggest Heartthrob in Hollywood (TM). That's actually interviewing women to see if they want to be Tom Cruise's 'girlfriend'. Or 'beard' as other people might call it. Or just 'woman they desperately need to make Tom Cruise look as normal as possible'. Or 'slightly stupid and naive much younger woman who wants to be 'A-list''. Whatever that is.
And Katie, who had been all pretty and up and coming and doing a few shit teen films and engaged to a bland heartthrobbyish type for years, well, suddenly Katie Holmes was all over tiny Tom like a tramp on chips.
And for five minutes the world went: "huh?". And then forgot and did something else because who Tom is choosing to use as his tiny gay man beard isn't actually that interesting after all. Paparazzi pictures for the next few years showed an increasingly dishevelled, gaunt, old and depressed looking Katie being dragged around by an increasingly manic-eyed, ever-younger, suspicously thick haired tiny Tom Cruise.
She never failed to look like a shadow of her former self, and he never failed to look like a meglomanic, power-crazed, potentially dangerous crazed Scientology nut. Tom has been a devotee of the made up 'religion' that is Scientology since his first wife, Mimi Rogers (anyone remember her?) introduced him to it. Interestingly she selected him in a similar way to his selecting of Katie and possibly Nicole (far too classy for this utter freak, SURELY?).
And he was propelled to super stardom in return for most of his money and what was left of his soul. He has also been told he is a very very high up Thetan. Which means that he apparently can move things with his mind and control the world. Or some shit. Other high up Thetans include John Travolta. I watched an interview yesterday where John Travolta was telling the interviewer that he could heal people and that anyone who was ill and came near him would be cured. He gave as an example, the fact that he once cured Sting of a cold.
Surely Mr Travolta must be questioning this, along with Scientology's vetoing of pharmaceutical medication, after the untimely death of his 16 year old son. A son who had a history of seizures and, when he was two and a half was diagonised with Kawasaki Syndrome, a vascular illness that leads to inflamed blood vessels.
Scientology apparently wasn't able to help there.
When Katie Holmes gave birth to what must surely be the most photographed child in all of the known world, she apparently had to do it the Scientology way. That is without medication, pain relief or making a noise.
Still, the word from Tom Cruise's spokesperson was that Katie had fully embraced Scientology and was enthusiastically being audited. Some would call this brainwashing. Meh. Tom-ay-toe, tom-ah-toe.
And then suddenly, Katie Holmes played a blinder. Out of the apparent blue she slapped the Tiny One with divorce papers. And a demand for sole custody of Suri. And 11 days later Tom capitulated. That's eleven days for him to give sole custody of his daughter to Katie. This is the guy who apparently had his and Nicole Kidman's adopted children so brainwashed against their mother that they no longer speak or spend time together. The man who has sacrificed all normality and, well, pride, for the Church of Scientology (or the ramblings of a mediocre schlocky SciFi author, as normal people prefer to call it).
So basically Katie must have some proper shit on Tom Cruise. Shit that he really doesn't want to come out in any kind of court of law. What could it possibly be?
Just after he released a statement saying that he is shocked and saddened and yadda yadda, his lawyer released a statement saying that whatever people might think, this whole thing has nothing whatSOEVER to do with Scientology. OK? NOTHING. AT ALL.
I don't think it's a coincidence that Katie's dad is a top flight lawyer and that her very Catholic family seem to have helped her plan her escape. She's now living in New York and has enrolled Suri into a Catholic School. Which looks very much like a final "fuck you" to Tom and his 'church'. Scientology likes to get 'em young and starts 'auditing' children at a very young age. Lucky escape for Suri. She now just has the normal future of a celeb child to look forward to: drugs, drugs, a well publicised breakdown, wedding, divorce, drugs, short-lived film director's career and a singing career. Beats the living shit out of Scientology.
Which, of course, this has NOTHING TO DO WITH.