Last week I found the perfect flat. It's all sash windows, wooden floors, exposed beams and perfectly positioned in the middle of the city, just opposite the Shambles. It's over a late night fried chicken place, but you can't have everything can you? So I slapped the money down quick smart, because the estate agent was doing that thing where they lie to you and say that someone else just looked around it and will take it if you don't. I knew she was lying but I really wanted it. So I didn't ask anything about the contract, I just put the holding deposit down and then went to have a little weep. Not about that. About something else. The point is I wasn't in my right mind. It's a rare day when I hand cash over without checking every bit of fine print I can find. This time I didn't even ask. I gave the cash over the phone and thought I'd sort out the details later.
Fast forward to Saturday. I met My Only Friend In York (TM) for a coffee and decided to show her the outside of my new gaff. So we went and sat opposite and I told her about the beams and the floor and the fireplace and how this is the thing that will help me settle into York.
She said:| "Er, there's someone in it."
It's an unoccupied flat. And she was quite right. There were some people in it. Clearly being shown around by an estate agent.
They spilled out onto the street, all looking very enthusiastic. I saw the estate agent dude, a different one to the one who had showed me round. I collared him. He told me that he's acting for the other estate agent.
"I'm sorry, what?" said I.
"Yes dear. We're selling them. Your estate agent is renting them. Did you know that it could be sold from underneath you at any time and that we have a key and the right to show people round?"
No. NO. NO I DIDN'T know this.
It being bank holiday meant I couldn't find out anymore until just now.
Estate agent 1 (who are renting the flats and, incidentally, have my cash) said: "It's all fine. It's a six month lease. [on being further questioned] oh, actually, I don't know the details, I don't deal with lettings. I'll have to get someone to call you back."
You don't deal with lettings Clare? But Clare, you sure did deal with lettings when you took £300 off me the other day. You dealt with lettings then Clare. Why don't you deal with them now Clare? Clare, I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns. Clare, will I be getting my money back?
"Under the circumstances, it's possible."
Oh that IS good of you. The circumstances of you being a massive liar and pretty much frauding me out of my money? Those circumstances? How very kind of you to consider giving me my money back. Very. Kind. Indeed.
Estate agent 2 (who are apparently selling the flats) said: "Oh, I'm pretty sure that one's sold. But I don't know, I'll get someone to call you back."
So I'm currently sat here seething and waiting for one of two lying bastards to call me back and say completely different things.
Estate agents are massive lying cuntbags and, come the revolution, I will line them up against a wall and find new and different ways to torture them.