Loads in fact. Too many to mention. Too many to remember.
But most of all I regret almost every time I've lost my temper. Because those that deserve it won't listen anyway and those that don't, well, don't.
Either way it's a lose/lose situation.
And something that, surely I should have control over at my advanced age? I remember a skit by Rob Newman (of Newman and Baddiel fame. Back when he was a hottie. Actually back when he was just around. Where did he go? He never pops up as a talking head on some shitey Channel 4 Top 50 Hilarious Moments of 1972 or whatever. He's never on Mock the Week. I don't think he's even turned up on the slightly more highbrow versions of comedy panel shows. He'd be perfect for Would I lie to you? or a celebrity version of Only Connect....
A quick look at his webpage shows a man who took the opposite stance to his partner. Rather than turning to tedious 90s lad culture and fronting some godawful programme about football for most of that decade, Rob Newman has been all serious and political. Sort of like Stewart Lee but with some morals and principles, and a lot less of the twisted bitterness that I adore.
He sort of turned into a hippie by the looks of it. Interesting. Although all trace of him disappears after 2007.
Baddiel, by the way, has come full circle back to awesomeness. He left Skinner behind and started writing pretty decent novels. He also called me cheeky once at a book signing. I asked him whether he hated Rob Newman now. I think the answer was yes.
Annnnyway. My point was the skit. It was one of his solo bits at the Wembley show they did. First comedians to ever sell out Wembley they were. Now Michael bloody McIntyre does it every other day. And it was along the lines of stress and regrets and just the general horror of existence. And it comes into my head now and then. Which is more than can be said for Michael McIntyre's stuff. Although the man drawer joke was very amusing. And I do like it when he skips across the stage shaking his funny hair. I can see why he's the most popular comedian in the land.
Like Rob Newman in 1995, I have a lot of regrets. It's something that you're not supposed to have. Like you're not supposed to think of the things you should have said, could have said, could have done, should have done. Or wish for a different life. Or envy your friends. Or look in the mirror and really badly want to look entirely like someone else. Or want what you don't have.
You should think positively at all times. But this is what I don't get. How do people do this? If it's a case of just pretending the bad stuff isn't there, then I'm not interested. That's insincere and inauthentic. Pretending shit hasn't happened or that your actions haven't affected other people is the opposite of being strong.
'Thinking positive' is the new oppressive religion of our times. The self help movement has done more damage than good. Simply repressing and ignoring cannot be the way forward and the constant pressure to rictus grin over one's burdens is neither helpful nor healthy. But then neither can over analysing everything, disappearing up one's own arse and becoming so confused you can't decide whether to have toast or cereal for dinner.
This has often been my modus operandi, leading me to act in ways I don't really like and appear in a way that I'm actually not. Which, much like Michael McIntyre, really has to just stop.
I need another way.