Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Stop. Grammar time.

For someone as perennially single as me, you'd think I can't afford to be picky, right? At my advanced age I should just take whatever's on offer. Beggars can't be choosers and all of that. Wrong. This beggar is well fussy.

Back in the day, I couldn't measure potential mates on the basis of their ability to distinguish between your and you're or their propensity to call me 'hun' or say LOL. These things didn't exist. Life was so much easier then. I met my long long long term ex at a train station. I offered him a cigarette. The rest, as they say, is history. I didn't get the chance to measure his grammatical prowess. Although he was reading L'Etranger, which was intriguing and sexy and made me think that he would never call me 'hun'. And, to be fair, he didn't. Although I never did see him pick up another Camus during the next eight years.

I don't mind friends calling me 'hun', I should add, although I do find it odd. If it was the short form of honey, it would be 'hon'. So why hun? It just always makes me think of World War 1 and their helmets. I can't help it. I seem to recall my iPhone used to think that too and would autocap it. Because so many people need to send urgent text messages discussing the Hun on a daily basis, natch.

Obviously this comes up a lot more with online dating, emails, texts and IM. I can be having some amusing and potentially charming banter with a fellow who looks pretty fit and then he'll do it. He'll drop the 'h' bomb. And follow it up with a LOL or two. And, before I know it, I've gone from wondering what he'd be like in bed to wondering what it'd be like to punch him in the face with a dictionary.

I mean, what's wrong with me? Since when did the misuse of apostrophes rule someone out as a nice, fun, sexy, kind person? But it's just annoying. Because it's lazy. It's not difficult to learn a simple rule, such as your/you're. It really isn't. It's just as easy to type 'ha ha' as LOL. Substituting 'z' for 's' randomly - why? Even if he's got a Doctorate from Oxford, the minute he types LOL he's instantly relegated in my mind to a lazy, fatuous oik who has probably never really read a book.

The overuse of exclamation marks and question marks also puts a dampener on my libido. There's just no need.

And then if I ever make it to a date or even, gasp, a second date, the need to be cuddling up to me and the wish to sleep in my bed puts the kibosh on the whole thing right there and then. I don't like sharing my bed. With anyone. Not my best friends, not drunk people who really need somewhere to sleep, not boys. I just. Don't. Like. It.

Helena Bonham-Carter and Tim Burton have separate bedrooms in adjoining houses. THAT'S what I'm looking for. I have no wish to be woken up with that poking into the small of my back every morning. I don't like morning sex until every party involved has brushed their teeth and, ideally, had a shower. And given me approx three hours of 'alone' time in which to wake up properly.

I don't like going to sleep in a tangle of sweaty limbs, no matter how good it was. Because as soon as the post-coital glow has gone I don't want to be touched and pawed at. I don't want to be squeezed and groped. A nice cuddle, a quick cigarette and then separate beds for a restful, luxurious, stretch filled kip.

So, in short, I'm looking for someone who knows the difference between there and their, never calls me 'hun' and if he absolutely feels he has to, at least spells it 'hon', and would be happy never to sleep in the same bed as me.



  1. Love this. I too have an incredibly large dislike for those that use 'txtspeak'. I even tell my wife off for it when she sends me an SMS.