Tuesday, 6 November 2012

Straddling past and present..

I only put the word straddling into my title so I could put it in the keywords and hence get a lot more hits on the offchance that it's a blog full of porn. That's an actual true fact. I need a boost.

Anyway, I've had a right shitty couple of months of it. A rancid crapfest of bad luck trickling through my life, gathering pace until it a veritable flood of excrement seems to be forever lapping at my feet. Wading through it is increasingly fraught with moments of actual full on nihilism and the need to just lie down until it stops. The utter pointlessness of any kind of endeavour haunts my consciousness like the aftermath of a bad trip.

And then something nice happens. Like I speak to a friend, a real friend, on the phone. Or I make some new ones. Or I'm asked whether I'd like to work from the One&Other office, which is almost entirely staffed with lovely people. Almost.

Forming bonds with new people is hard. And it's even harder when you're at a low ebb. This year has been freaking weird. I made a move that I never thought I would make. Moving away from my safe but dull haven. If anyone asked me whether it would be a good idea to take a punt on a job and move their life across country to a place where they know no one at all, I would probably say no. It's not a good idea. Particularly if you're single, 36, neurotic and, um, complicated. It's hard. It's lonely. And there will be many, many times when it seems the worst idea you've ever had.

I struggle to remember why I was so keen to leave Leamington. I have a terrible way of romanticising the past. It's part of the reason why I cling on so hard. To bad relationships. To friends who talk a lot but don't actually follow through. To boys who are just awful. To things that have happened in the past and hurt me, and I just cannot, cannot, shake off.

So I spend a lot of time living in the past, wishing I was back somewhere else. When actually, of course, it wasn't that ace in the first place. If I was having the best time ever in Leamington, I wouldn't have moved heaven and earth to leave. I wouldn't have taken a chance on a job that turned out to be rather more than a disappointment. I wouldn't have found myself where I am. In York. Living in a beautiful flat that could be taken away from me at any time. Alone but starting to make friends. Unemployed but hopefully not for long.

Half a step in the past and half a step trying to push forward to a better future.

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