Wednesday, 14 November 2012

The answer to all my problems?

I don't make any secret of the fact that I'm on a dating site. I don't find it especially embarrassing or strange. I met my ex-boyfriend online. And I quickly discovered that, much like buying clothes over the interwebs, you only realise the flaws when it arrives at your home and is unwrapped. Then you may well find that the material is cheap and it doesn't actually fit. Sadly, there are no refunds but you can always throw them away.

I signed up again when I moved to York as I thought it would be an excellent way to widen my pool of friends, if nothing else. And, yes, I am still the type who has a tiny thought in the back of my mind that one day my (dark, sexy, brooding, hilarious) prince will come and take me away from all of this. Yes, I still have a small flicker of the fantasy, even though real life boys and relationships have firmly shown me over and over again THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN and the most you can hope for is someone who will refrain from sticking his nether regions in other women's lady parts either "by accident" or because "I was drunk, it doesn't count" or "you're not a size 8".

Disappointingly I haven't met anyone from the site who I would like to do the beast with two backs with. Or even a tiny beast with a half hearted hump.

I have been emailed by quite a few promisingly good looking types who then turn out to be only "sort of single", "on a break", illiterate or just plain mental.  These days it's become more of a website to check out of morbid fascination. The emails I get range from the bizarre to the offensive, with some normal-ish ones in between.

Just yesterday, in fact, I got an email from a 57 year old man that simply said: "Are you horny?"

These kinds of emails actually make me throw up a little in my mouth. Obviously these men are mailshotting lots of ladies in the hope that one, poor, sad, desperate one will presumably say: "Why, yes, old, ugly man. I am horny. Would you like to have some kind of sexual conversation over Skype? Excellent."

I like to think they just randomly select women to send these kinds of mails to, and that it isn't anything in my profile that's just crying out for a letchy old fucker to send me disgusting emails.

Also yesterday, I also had a text from a guy that I was talking to a while back, as it had become apparent that, although very good looking, he was in fact semi-literate, thick as pigshit and arrogant as fuck. A winning combination. I stopped texting him probably around three months ago, after I became bored with trying to figure out his textspeak missives. But suddenly, out of the blue: "Still wanna. mt. Hudd-fld,"

I think Ben from Huddersfield was under the mistaken belief that I have been crouched desperately by my phone for the last two months just waiting for that moment where he would ask me to come to Huddersfield. I also think that he's now pretty clear that wasn't, in fact, the case.

And then, while at art class, I had another mail. It was from Leedsguy761. It simply said: "I run an escort agency in Leeds. You would make £150 an hour. Interested?"


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