Friday, 16 November 2012

When does it start feeling like Christmas?

You know on the ever-changing Facebook where they target adverts at you and helpfully give you more and more suggested pages to 'like'? It's shit isn't it? It's annoying, irritating and, frankly, insulting sometimes. I've had a few suggestions to like something called I just feel like Facebook doesn't really listen to me, you know? I thought we had something special. I talk and I talk and I talk and I thought Facebook understood me.

Yesterday there was some link to Sainsbury's. I think it was Sainsbury's. Some bloody supermarket anyway. I can't actually imagine why anyone would bother 'liking' a Sainsbury's page. How much can you like Sainsbury's anyway? Presumably it's for the chance to get 10p off something at some point. I personally don't like brands befriending me. It's weird. It upsets the balance of them working hard and constantly to find new and better ways to rip me off. I don't want them to then pretend to be my friend. It's icky.

This Sainsbury's link had a poll. The question was: When does it start feeling like Christmas? There were a few options. I can't remember what they were. But there were also a lot of comments, so, being the unemployed timewaster I so clearly am, I had a wee look down them.

Almost overwhelmingly there were various iterations of: "It feels like Christmas to me when I see the Coca Cola lorry advert." Often accompanied by LOL or some kind of emoticon. I hate emoticons. And I hate internetspeak unless it's coming from the point of view of a LOLcat. I just don't get it. It makes me cringe. Especially now that it's morphed so there's actually 'in joke' versions to show other geeks that you don't actually speak like this and your aware of its utter shitness but you're one step ahead of everyone else. Things like roflcopter. I don't even get it. I don't want to get it. Use words. With letters.

Back to the Coca Cola lorry advert. I mean what in the living fuck are these people on about? It doesn't feel like Christmas until I see a fucking advert for Coca COLA? That's Coca Cola, sponsors of the Berlin (more commonly known as the Nazi) Olympics in 1936? Coca Cola who have had to pay out at least $200 million to victims of human rights abuse in Colombia, for which it was liable? Coca Cola who have been held responsible for at least 179 human rights violations and nine murders? Coca Cola who are systematically bleeding wells dry in the Third World? Coca Cola who use over 290 billion litres of water every year to make their shitty drink, which they plunder from countries where people are dying every single day from starvation and thirst? That Coca Cola? I guess nothing says "Let's celebrate the birth of a mythical figure" like feeling some kind of weird, manipulated emotional connection to a brand that wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire?

But just because their advertising is amazeballs and they, by the way, invented Father Christmas. I know this because we are told ad nauseam. Until the '30s Father Christmas in his red hat and obese
body didn't exist. It was more about St Nicholas and rather nice European folk tales before then. But fuck that shit. We don't want tales of satsumas in stockings and home made presents. We want sticky drinks of dubious origin. We want shiny things. We want decorations. We want to spend MONEY.

And now Coca Cola don't even have to use some kind of friendly face in their advertising. They have managed to get people hooked on a false feeling of nostalgia and excitement (for what they're not quite sure but they definitely want to spend a LOT of money. And quite fancy a coke actually, come to think of it...) at the sight of a lorry. A fucking delivery lorry. With Coca Cola in it. A lorry that says Happy Holidays. Which, by the way, up until about five years ago, wouldn't even have meant anything to anyone in this country, used, as we were, to crazy phrases like Merry Christmas.

If you must "feel like Christmas" how about conjuring up some goodwill based on something a bit less shit, eh? I have no idea what Christmas is meant to "feel like" by the way. Seems to me it's a cynical manipulation and exploitation of everyone's entirely natural general sense of nostalgia and  the promise of filling that gaping black maw of despair you've carefully buried under layers of consumables and tinsel for so long now.

Still, I really really fancy a diet Coke right now.

1 comment:

  1. ok this post is great: sharp, well written and so freaking funny.
    I'm getting addicted to your blog

    (no emoticons were harmed during the posting of this comment)