Saturday, 29 December 2012

Breaking the blog fast

I was allowed to leave work early on account of it being a bit shit. Looks like most people are saving their liver-destroying drinking binge for New Years Eve, so we were light on clueless divs getting so hammered they vomit up their own spleen. Although we did serve a round of 25 vodkas. To five people. 

I haven't blogged for ten days. This is because of a crisis of confidence, friends. Enemies. Whoever actually reads this. Despite rising numbers of people reading, despite really enjoying writing general bollocks, I have lately wondered who the hell I think I am to write anything that anyone would want to read. Who am I at all?

This isn't like me. I may be a pain in the ass at times. A whiny bitch at others. A needy and annoying individual with many faults, but I love my writing. It's one of the few things I have confidence in. It temporarily releases the little pressure cooker in my head that's constantly just about to blow.

It's just lately I seem to be doing that disconcerting thing of seeming to be outside of myself. Disassociation the shrinks call it. It's sort of like watching yourself go through the motions of normality but as if you're an automaton. So I might be at a party, say, and involved in a conversation when suddenly it's like I'm hovering over myself and thinking "Jesus, is that what you look like? What you sound like? What are you talking about? Just shut up." Usually by this point I've lost the thread of the actual conversation and am probably standing there like a retarded guppy fish. 

I second guess everything. Every sentence I say. Every text I send. Every blog I compose in my head is immediately relegated to being a bit shit. Or that maybe it'll piss someone off. So I don't write it. I don't say it. I don't text it. I don't blog it. I've had a few people unfriend me because of this blog, a few people insult me, a few people question why I think I have the right to say this, that or the other. It usually doesn't faze me. It has recently.

I'm assuming this state of mind is because of the events of the last few months. They'd probably take their toll on anyone, even all the people I know who seem to be able to handle everything without breaking a sweat, and definitely without losing any sleep. 

This year has been a big one. An odd one. A hard one. Not hard like starving people in the Third World hard. Or dying of a horrible disease hard. But hard for me. During 2012 I moved from a place I felt comfortable, popular and secure to a place where I knew no one. 

I started two new jobs with all that entails. On 7 January I will start another one.  

I have been fired once. From the job that I moved here for. For 'not fitting in'. This threw a spanner in the works as it was, after all, the whole reason I moved here at ALL. Then again, it kind of suits me fine. There are some places you just don't want to fit in, believe me. Like any of the Fuhrerhauptquartiere before 1945. Or the AGM of the Ku Klux Klan. Or this place. 

The second job I fit in just fine and have met some lovely people, I'm relieved to say. And I do, it has to be said, have high hopes for the new new job in January. 

I have moved house twice and am likely to move again soon, due to the fact my landlord who, I've just found out, handily lives in Thailand, doesn't see the need to make sure appliances, you know, actually work. 

Friendships back home have changed, people have moved on without me, while I feel I've been madly floundering. I try too hard to hang on to things, this I know. I wanted it to remain the same so I could somehow keep a life there and start a new one here. But it doesn't happen like that. 

Finding out who my friends are has been eye opening, revealing and interesting. And kind of distressing. No one likes to feel the waters close above their head as soon as they leave somewhere but I think that is what happens. If you choose to leave, very very soon it's like you were never there. Obviously I'm talking about a very few individuals who I thought I was closer to than I was. Leading to all sorts of questions about the reality of friendship and relationships in general. How much does anyone really know anyone? What with everyone constructing facades for different situations, different groups, different places and times, is anyone ever really, truly themselves?

I have met some fantastic people who are making me feel more at home every day. But I still see doppelgangers of friends from home all over the place and wonder what's going on back there.

I want to focus on where I am, not where I was. 

That's going to have to be my goal for 2013.

And lots of blog posts that are much, much funnier than this. 

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