Monday, 3 December 2012

I've never felt more British...

... than when, upon receiving the happy news via Facebook (where else?), I immediately (and totally against my wil), started thinking about Wills spaffing away into our Kate, even though she's but a commoner, and them making a baby machine. 

It's a hard thing to do and no doubt needs the country to posture in plastic patriotism once more. It's ages since the 'lympics after all, we've got to do something with all the leftover union flag branded shite haven't we? 

So there we have it. And just in time. News of Katie's 'makeover haircut' - a way more pathetic attempt at a fringe than my first, second AND third tries -  wasn't cutting the mustard enough to distract the masses from impending doom, gloom and Leveson. We needed a baby. As a nation, we needed a baby to carry on the line of Saxe-Coburgs. Um. Windsors. 

Poor ol' katenwills. Probably been banging away ever since the wedding in a desperate quest to make a new one. Probably had officials measuring her ovulation and chucking them together at the right moment. At least it's got half a chance of a decent hairline with some fresh genes into the mix. I mean, look what adding some ginger genes in did for Harry.

Mind you, they've been together forever by now, and married over a year. Maybe it isn't his. Maybe he couldn't do it. Maybe she didn't want him to do it. Maybe it is my dream, and it's like the Tudor court all over again, with intrigue and plots and babies being smuggled in in bed pans. Maybe it's HARRY'S. Maybe that was the only way we could ever get a king without a receding hairline and huge ears? When did Wills turn into Charles anyway? I seem to recall he was quite dapper in his youth. And he's only about 30 now. 

Of course it won't be a plot. It'll be a nice, boring, brown haired baby that they will call Diana and it will grow up in uber privilege and become accustomed to profligate spending and an unshakable superiority complex. If we're lucky it'll get a drug habit and an interesting boyfriend at some point, but more likely it'll play polo and wear bad dresses. 

I heard the happy news when my friend told me that someone she knew had liked Harry's status on Facebook. Harry has a page said I? And went to investigate. And he does. He actually has a page. Obviously he doesn't run it. We know this because it has respectful pictures posted of various royals doing tedious things. You know, the Queen standing. Kate standing. Wills, erm, standing. That kind of affair. And if it was Harry's, it would most definitely be written in textspeak banging on about who he and his chums were doing at various parties. And there would be far more pictures of him in inappropriate dictator-based fancy dress costumes. 

The comments are hilarious; mostly of the ultra patriotic but with that weird fake chumminess some Brits do. All 'well done Wills, we're so proud of you Kate', as if they're people who they've met and spoken to and who would spit on them if they were on fire. 

It's not that I think Wills, Harry et al are evil. Or that I wish any harm comes to them. Of course I don't. But they have no place in our times, not as the monarchy and not as people I have to care about simply because they successfully bonked without contraception. 

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