Sunday, 17 February 2013

He's just... I don't even...

He's just SUCH an idiot.

People often say to me that I worry too much about Fatman, that I'm obsessed with him. In fact, one charming individual on a dating site said that I'm clearly too attached to my cat and, as I'm single at 36 and own a cat, I must have issues. That was after me answering a question of: "Do you have any pets?" With: "Yes, I have a cat and I love him very much."

So that was pleasant. So. Many. Nice. Men.

I do worry a lot about Fatman, although I'm down to just the two to three anxiety dreams a week now. The ones where he goes missing, or he's hurt and I can't save him, or he's in danger and I can't help him.

He's underestimated you see. People underestimate his energy ("There's no way he'd get over that... oh..."), his stealth ("He wouldn't know what to do... oh...") and, mostly, his fucking stupidity ("Cats aren't stupid, they wouldn't do anything that could hurt themselves... oh... he's fallen off the...)

Just now he decided to climb the tall ladders I put up in order to reach a high cupboard. He got the top, wailing all the way, jumped inside the cupboard, panicked, jumped back onto the ladders, which collapsed under his girth (I hadn't set them up properly as I wasn't intending to use them just yet hadn't considered that Fatman might fancy a bash) smashing into a load of my stuff, with said ladders crashing down and almost landing on his head.

My new place has an extremely high sheer drop between the banisters to the hallway below. It can only end in meows and tears at some point...

Just yesterday he decided the gas hob was where he wanted to be, so I found him in there perched uneasily amidst the gas taps. Because there's nowhere else of any comfort that a cat could possibly go in a two bedroom house spread over three floors.

He became so mesmerised with the water swirling into the bath the other day that he almost fell in. He fell down the stairs yesterday, shortly after nutting the window because he could see birds in the sky.

He basically needs to live in a padded room with one of those safety helmets on.

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