Tuesday, 26 February 2013


It’s no secret I internet date - although the actual dates are few and far between. And it isn’t my intention to blog about many of the interactions I have. That’s not what this blog is. It is not about my quest for lurve. Or my hilarious, hapless dating escapades. It’s only when really special messages land in my inbox or actually hilariously mental men take it upon themselves to hound me, that I feel compelled to share.

Like this one:

Hi Lisa

I hope you had a nice weekend and are enjoying this slightly milder weather...

I am relatively experienced I guess, having had two such relationships, although each was within a regular relationship, so most assumed we were just bf/gf, which for me added to the alure. (sic). I suppose these relationships have left me craving for more, something better, having accepted this is what I seek, lots of secret smiles, exploration, fun and deeper bonding...

Was in (sic) the fetish fair in Clapham you went to? I agree they are fun! I was thinking if you are free maybe this weekend, perhaps embankment, wander to south bank...

Scott x

OK, so he'd clearly sent it to the wrong person. But really? REALLY? I mean, before he sent it he spent a good while checking out my profile - you can see when people look at your profile. So he must have had a fairly good idea my name wasn't Lisa and I hadn't actually spoken to him about my predilection for Clapham's local fetish fairs. 

I hope she enjoyed it though. 

And then, on the same day. This guy. This guy is special. He's one of those muscle bound types who actually think anyone gives a shit about their gym routine. Blonde, spiky hair. Face like a leg of ham. Low cut t-shirt. When did they become a thing by the way? Low cut tops to show off men's chesticles? All of that doesn’t necessarily make him a total and utter prick. But his approach does. Particularly as my profile actually contains these words:

I really really can't deal with bad spelling. I think this might be weirdly shallow but I can't help it. I also have an aversion to being called 'hun' or to textspeak. 

*small update* I am not looking for casual sex, a shag, to talk dirty on Skype, a 'discreet friendship', a roll in the hay, a one night stand, a conversation about how naughty you are or to hear how horny you are. Hope that helps. *end of small update*

So he decides to spam me with these two messages, both within an hour:

Him: "Heya! Just moved to york x how are you"

I don't reply.

Less than an hour later: "Hey hunnie x love your profile. Just bought a house in york x wana chat x

Me: "If you REALLY loved my profile you'd know that I hate being called hunnie. And no, I don't want to chat."

Him: "Huh????????"

I thought it was pretty clear myself.

Next day, he pops up on the chat function:

“Hey you xx how you doin’ hunnie xx  Wana chat?”

I just have so many issues with this I almost don’t know where to start. I have already spelled out to him that I dislike being addressed thus. I have also dissed him pretty thoroughly. And yet, do you note how NONE of that goes in? He is clearly just spamming away, chuck enough messages out there and some dumb ‘hunnis’ will respond, presumably. Although the insistence with which he was messaging me would beg to differ.

I brought up the fact that I didn’t want to talk to him yesterday and I don't want to talk to him today. He then said that I was a ‘stuck up lady’ but he bets he has a better job than me and he's got an amazing job and a car and a house and he's humble and I’m a retard (yes, retard) and that he’s going to report me to Gary and have me removed from the site.

No. I don’t know who Gary is either.

Then there was the American who lives in Nottingham who apparently thinks he is some kind of God among Men. His opening gambit was: “You intrigue me. British women don’t normally intrigue me. Amaze me. Astound me. *grins slyly*”

I threw up a little in my mouth.

I think I was meant to be all flattered and then write a haiku in a British accent to try and get him to please continue to find me fascinating, me what with my ‘umble Britishness and him with his worldly American ways. Fuckin dick.

I know there are some normal guys on these sites because I have spoken to at least one. But man oh man are they outweighed by the creepy contingent.

I also didn’t realise how ubiquitous polyamorous relationships apparently are. I mean I literally had no idea. They’re everywhere. So many guys contacting me and they already have a girlfriend. And that girlfriend is contacting other people too. But they’re committed to each other. But they want to meet other people, not just for one night stands, for a committed relationship. Whut? 

My main thought is: how will you have time? The thought of having one, steady relationship scares the bejesus out of me these days because when then will I find the time to sit on Reddit for four hours straight? What if they don’t like me watching TV in the middle of the night? What about my cat time? And my sleep time? I can barely stomach the thought of fitting in a proper, full time boyfriend. But more than one? Getoutofit. Christmas would be really expensive, man.
Life’s too bloody short.

My magic number is quite high enough as well, I don’t really feel the need to experiment between the sheets with as many people as possible. If anything, I’d like to wipe at least 10 of my past encounters out of history and get to do those numbers over again. OK, 20.

Anyway, this is but the tip of a very, very small iceberg. I actually took a load of screenshots of funny exchanges and then felt mean. Offensive and vile as I find some of these men, I'm going to err on giving them the benefit of the doubt that they are just misguided or clumsy, rather than the horror perves my gut tells me they are.  


  1. Think you are being both patient & tolerant to a commendable degree.

  2. Yah.. we've never *actually* met have we?