Monday, 18 March 2013

Penis envy

The last couple of days have given me a bumper crop of penii to share, for OK Cupid has poured forth an abundance of revoltingly misogynistic freaks. I actually can't keep them to myself and feel compelled to share in order to break the compulsion I have to believe that all men everywhere are like this. For I know they are not.

Today, I had three messages from three different men. All offensive. All arrogant. All deeply, deeply weird. So, for your delectation.

The first one uses his penis as his face. Yes, that's right. Instead of having a picture of his face. He has a picture of his cock. Here it is:

He messaged me thus:

I hope you don't mind a younger man! 
I am 6ft4 british slim intelligent and i am in proportion where it counts. 
I am over from newyork for a week and am staying in york. 

Check me out and see what you think, I would love to hear back from you. 


Please note, the thing he was most concerned about. The thing he needed to flag up. Is that he is YOUNGER. Not that he has used his PENIS INSTEAD OF HIS FACE for his profile picture. Because obviously, the first thing I would think is: "Oh, look. What a lovely penis. But, gosh darn it, he's too flipping young for me."

I replied:

I don't mind a younger man. 

I do mind a man who has a picture of his dick as his profile picture.

 I have just returned home from my writing class and go online and he messages me again.

boo! how are you
sorry about the crotch shot
there is a normal photo
er, i'm sorry, i thought i said that i wasn't interested in someone who uses their penis as their profile picture
yes sorry but i thought id say hi
you have your PENIS as your profile picture?
ok sorry i wont. bye!
what is wrong with you?


This guy.

This guy. I have never spoken to, heard from, replied to, otherwise interacted with this guy. This morning he sends me this:

Hello sexy! Good to see that not all 35-40 yr olds look 50 on here... Your beautiful. 
I'm Chris, in Leeds, not new to any of this but starting to get a bit dissolutioned by the fakers and time wasters on here. Is it me or is it getting worse? 
Anyway, I may well be free this Saturday, I won't know until Friday at the latest, but I'd like to meet you, at yours if possible. I can't accommodate due to sharing a house. Or you can come to a party in Gateshead with me..? Swingers party. (Be brave)! 
Have a look at my profile and see what you think. 
Take it easy and have fun. 
If you have whatsapp or Skype add me 07XXXXXXXXX  
Chris x

I particularly like the bit that says: I'd like to meet, at yours if possible.

I think that shows a real confidence. A real sort of grrrrrrrr confidence. A real, oh hang on, I've just been copiously sick everywhere. Excuse me a moment.

I replied:

No. Just no.

I couldn't find any words. I actually couldn't. But if anyone's up for a Swingers party in Gateshead this weekend (probably, he won't know until Friday) hit Chris up. I'm sure he would love it.

[NB. Apols to anyone who did want to go with Chris. I've just removed his phone number as it felt like a dick move on my part. He is a shudderingly disgusting specimen of manhood it's true, but I probably shouldn't actually publish his number. If you do want it though, PM me. I hear Gateshead is THE place to be for a swinger's party...]

This one I bring you all the way from New York.

Take a good look at that face ladies. Because it'll be the last thing you see before he slices you into pieces, I'd warrant. 

This was our conversation:

hi there, interested in skyping with me? 


you sure, we could just chat if you like
    Yes. I am sure. I don't want to chat, skype, talk, anything with you. I am not interested. At all. How was my answer of 'no' not clear enough? NO.
    I see. One more question: Have you ever had any sex that wasn't forced? Sheesh what a fucking bitch

Guess I deserved that one, hey? Saying no to the creepy man leads to creepy man asserting that I can't get laid unless I'm raped. How, well, lovely


  1. I think I might text no.2 if that's ok with you? you're right though, they're not all idiots, sadly though online, for both sexes, particularly females, you have to sort through some pretty rancid chaff to find the wheat...

  2. What a strange world: I'd like to think that these were fictional except I believe you that they aren't. I'll limit myself to only two reflections: (a) how swiftly the last chap switches from trying to be friendly to unbelievably vile & (b) wondering whether being "dissolutioned" might not be a good idea for chap two?