Sunday, 12 May 2013

I hate these words

I thought if I wrote them down it might exorcise their hold over me and then maybe I won't instantly judge people for using them.

Yes, I am very intolerant aren't I? Glad you noticed .

1. 'hun'
I've mentioned this before. And I should add that if you're using it in the context of a discussion about German soldiers in the Great War then go right on ahead, just make sure you capitalise it. If you're using it in the context of talking to a friend or lover then just stop. It's horrible. And it doesn't even make any sense. Unless you spell 'honey' in the same way as Winnie the Pooh, it's not even a correct contraction of the word. And the thing to remember about Winnie the Pooh is that he was a retard. He got his head stuck in a tree and made friends with the most boring boy on earth. You should definitely not look to him for spelling advice.

2. 'teamie'
If you run a company and want to encourage a team-based atmosphere, here's a little tip. Don't call grown adults 'teamies' as it will make anyone with more than one brain cell and a tiny bit of free will immediately hate you and everything you stand for. It doesn't give off a friendly, inclusive vibe, it makes you sound like a psychotic moron.

3. 'feels'
If you read the internet much, you may have come across a phrase that is over used by the yoof. It goes: "That got me right in the feels" or some version thereof. It makes me convulsively heave.

4. 'pop in'
I have no idea why this grates the way it does but it just does, OK? When someone says "I'll just pop in and whatever blah blah bullshit" it makes me think of posh old women braying at each other. I'm aware this is ridiculous and it must have something to do with a long forgotten childhood memory but there we are. You can't rationalise irrational and pointless hatred.

5. 'perfect' - when on the phone and in a work context
I picked this up from an old client. Whenever I agreed to any of her mental, incessant demands, which would often involve me having to undo all the work I'd done up to that point, or make something that was creative, intelligent and workable into a big pile of shit, she would say "perfecttttttttt." She said it a lot because I was her bitch and she knew it. "So, can you just rewrite that excellent 2,000 word feature on a completely different subject and have it back to me by 3? Perfeccccccccccccccccct" or "We can't use that excellently composed shot that I approved not half an hour ago because I've arbitrarily decided I don't like the subject's hair colour. Can you redo the shoot? For free? Perrrrrrrrrrfect". Etc. All of this was only compounded by the fact that once she said to me "I have no idea what I'm doing, I've never worked with magazines before, but I can just tell people to do stuff and they do it!" before laughing maniacally. She was on a graduate scheme and I predict a long and fruitful career for her. As a middle manager who everyone secretly hates.

6. 'lol'. This includes all of its permutations but for brevity I'll just leave it at lol.
Fuck you if you're over the age of 15 and say lol.

7. 'yolo'
I only found out what this meant the other day. I have seen many usages of it on the internet since I discovered the addictive but depressing Reddit. It apparently means: "you only live once" and it seems to have been hijacked by the youngsters to rationalise any of their dickish and often cuntish behaviour. Tattooed a misspelled abortion of a tattoo on your forehead? YOLO, lulz. Fucked your best friend's girlfriend? YOLO, lulz. Refused to learn to spell, write, think, analyse or otherwise use your innate intelligence? YOLO, right? I'm sure there are many teenagers who aren't retarded but the internet doesn't seem to highlight their presence very often.

8. 'hubby'
"I love my hubby so much, he's the BESTEST #blessed" See also, hubster, The Boy, My Boy, The Husband. Just. Stop. Really, I'm glad you're living out the Hallmark dream and apparently your life is like a romantic comedy but just. stop.

I could do this all day but I have to go and make some money by writing something else. So I'll just leave it there. YOLO, right? LMAO.

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