Tuesday, 23 July 2013

Oh, baby, baby...

So, a woman had a baby the other day.

A perfectly healthy, rich woman with access to all the best medical care possible, gave birth to a healthy baby.

This means absolutely nothing in the real world. She joined the other 360,000 women having babies every single day around the world. But because she was knocked up by a member of one of the most archaically out of place institutions remaining, it means that we're supposed to care.

Some people - and I'm assuming these are the same mentally disturbed people who wailed their way around the streets when Di shuffled off her mortal coil - have apparently been camping outside the hospital where Kate squeezed the princeling out. What in fuck is that about? That's beyond disturbed. They were there two weeks before Kate even set foot in the place, just in case they missed the magical moment of, er, staring at the doors to said hospital. Did they think they'd be invited in to cut the cord and have a little watch or something?

I can't even imagine how the train of thought that would lead to such a bizarre action would even go.

"Are you busy for the next two weeks?"

"Well, not really. You know."

"Fancy sitting outside a building for two weeks?"


"So we won't miss it."


"The magical birth of the people's baby. The blessed moment where Kate Middleton heaves a screaming infant from the royal-by-marriage vag."

"But we won't see anything. We'll just be outside. You could just watch the 24 hour rolling news coverage of the doorway instead of actually standing outside it."


Something like that probably. I don't know. I have never met anyone who would even contemplate this sort of thing. But, you know, whatever floats your boat. Whatever makes your life worth living is good by me. If it's projecting your hopes and dreams onto people who were elevated purely by an accident of birth, then fair fucks to you.

It's come to my attention for approximately the 79th time during the last couple of years that my reactions to newsworthy events, particularly involving the Windsors, is considered 'miserable'. I fear I am somewhat of a party pooper. I don't know why I can't get excited at the silver jubilee/wedding/conception/birth bullshit of these people. I don't know why it just feels so icky to have our usually relatively sanguine unbiased media (and here I am talking about the BBC, not the tabloids) practically prostrating themselves on the altar of sycophancy, such is their cringeworthy gushing. I don't know why I feel uncomfortable with the fact that creepy Cameron has been able to use everything from the Jubilee to this baby to deflect the horrors that are being committed on our rights, on our future, by his government. I don't know why I just can't feel anything other than a vague embarrassment and a shifty pity for the entire media circus that follows these people around.

They seem like perfectly nice people, for overly privileged, spoiled types. I'm sure William and Kate are a delight at dinner parties. Harry looks like he must be a decent ride. And Charles presumably can't help his ears.

Rolling news coverage for an entire day showing footage of a fucking door to a hospital is just embarrassing. Companies flogging their tat with a weak tie in to the birth on social media is pathetic. People being 'proud' of something that has had exactly nothing to do with them and upon which they have had zero influence is weird.

Back in the day waiting for a royal birth meant something. Like whether you'd wake up Catholic or Protestant. Or whether the King would kill his missus. Or whether there would be a civil war. Shit like that. A male birth would mean dancing in the streets, mass bonfires and fountain running with claret. It meant that the future was secure under the particular dynasty you were born into, which meant less chance of civil war. These were Important Things.

Whatisname Windsor will most likely grow up to be yet another playboy of the western world, with expensive taste and a predilection for dating Suri Cruise. He'll be a celebrity. Yet another fucking celebrity.

So while it's dandy and nice that Kate didn't die in childbirth or anything, please don't confuse this media circus with any reason for us to deem ourselves 'proud' or 'lucky' or 'blessed'. It's just biology. And the rich will continue to get richer as we watch everything that used to be good about our country wither and die under a a regime that cares NOTHING for the common man.

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