Tuesday, 20 August 2013

As sure as night follows day...

I have had such a surge of positive energy and creativity over the last few days and as a seemingly inevitable response to this, I appear to be crashing. Rather hard.

Today is filled with anxiety and worry, something that wasn't even on my radar yesterday. It's a weird world and weird thing to be a weird human brain in a weird world. Suddenly I am full of self doubt. What if I can't be a freelancer? What if I can't make enough cash to get by? What if, what if, what if?

I'm more and more convinced that the measure of happiness can only be found in the moment. Expecting to generate happiness every hour of every day is a futile impossibility that leads to more stress and worry. At least for me it does. I find I'm best when I just take a minute to minute approach and have lots of naps. Naps are an integral part of my stress management, I've found.

I become overwhelmed sometimes. I seem to get a tightness in my chest and all the dark and badness comes crashing through my body, as if black ink is surging through my veins. It's sort of like a sick feeling of adrenalin. Not in an exciting and happy way but in a dreadful, oppressive way. A quick nap and a squeeze of the Fat One usually sorts it pretty quick. That or some furious cleaning or exercise.

Self doubt is not as exciting as positive energy and surety that what I'm doing is finally the right thing. I know this. But it is the yin and yang of life, after all.

There are times when I wish I could just live in someone else's head for half an hour. Just a quick 30 minute snap shot to find out whether other people have such furious highs and lows. I'm guessing it's a universal thing but is yet another aspect of human nature that is repressed out of visible existence because of the constant fear of being seen as weak or momentarily lacking in confidence. Because there is nothing our society howls at more than someone who just says: "I actually don't know what I'm doing right now and I feel like everything's a wobbling mess."

Particularly when it comes to business and the corporate world. The drive to seem in control and successful at all times is a very 80s concept that I don't think needs to exist anymore. How much nicer would it be for everyone to interact on a much more human level and admit that they're not sure whether things will work out or not, but they'll give it their best shot. The lack of gung ho bullshit is, of course, partly the reason I went freelance. I am free to admit to myself that sometimes I'm unsure and sometimes I'm worried and sometimes it's stressful. And that's actually OK. Because probably it'll all turn out alright in the end.

It usually does.

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