Tuesday, 22 October 2013

The beauty of the Bake Off

I bloody love it. I love the calmness of the format. I like the little history bits. I could almost turn for Sue Perkins.

Obviously I have been watching it since it started in 2009, when they ran it for six weeks for Children in Need and had to persuade people that it was good. It was always good. But it's been last series and this series during which I have found my true calling. Inspired and impressed every week, I was born to be an armchair baking expert and an amateur psychologist. 

Because, in among the cakes and pies, this is a popularity contest. And very quickly two opponents became clear. Kimberley - the smuggest of the smug. Really, there is no one - NO ONE - smugger than her. She's smugger than Mrs McSmug and her smug children from Smuggington in the County of Smuginshire. 


Over the last six weeks of the competition I have been left rigid with rage at her ability to make the very act of breathing smug. She does. She exhales in the smuggest way possible. Everything she did was amazing. She never cried. She never showed any emotion other than utter delight at the fact that she is herself. Awful. AWFUL. Every bake turned out pristine. She never even broke a sweat and said things like: "Oh, choux pastry? That's easy. People don't think it's easy but it is so easy."

She's every head girl you ever hated. Every leader of every society at Uni who you wanted to punch in the gob. Every petty middle management arsehole who just drips ego. 

And in the blue corner?

Doe eyed former model and 21 year old philosophy student Ruby. Absolutely gorgeous to look at and, it quickly became apparent, totally neurotic, insecure and hopeless at hiding negative emotions. Naturally the media hated her. Obviously it's all a fix and Paul Hollywood is banging her and they favoured her because she's 'manipulative' and 'pathetic'. Every bake she did she made sure to say it was terrible, when it was clearly excellent. She doesn't just wear her emotions on her sleeve; her emotions morph her face into ever more disturbing grimaces. 

I really like her. I honestly think she lacked confidence. Many people disagreed with me and cast her as the manipulative sexpot against Kimberley's calm, stoic head girl type. 

Someone has just sent me this. Here, in Ruby's own words, is exactly what I was trying to say. She writes well as well. Atta girl Rubes: http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/oct/22/great-british-bake-off-ruby-dandoh

These were the two. It was between them, clearly. Especially after lovely, hilarious Welsh Beca left last week. 

I was so sad to come to the final. I don't think it's any secret that my life is pretty much a work filled joy dearth these days.

And Bake Off has given me much joy. 

Speculating on whether everyone is secretly judging Paul Hollywood for being a ho when he filmed the US version and shagged his co-presenter. Surely Mary had something to say about that? Being well happy when Mark the annoying builder but shit baker was kicked out on account of being utterly awful at everything to do with baking. Marvelling at whatsisname the scientist who made the worst looking Dalek EVER. Defending Ruby in vigorous debates. Wondering why Paul and Mary were so consistently horrible to lovely Frances who kept turning out things that you would actually pay for and which were inexplicably sneered at by the judges. Marvelling at Kimberley's ability to make me hate her by just breathing. 

And so the final. They made a pig pie. And look what happened! Kimberley of the smug perfection fucked it up. Good and proper. Bad style. The pig fell out. The pastry didn't even hold the pig in the pie. Oh YEAH. And then they did some other things and then they did wedding cakes. Kimberley's was grey. She made a grey cake. Ruby's looked like I did it. It was amateurish. Although she did get points (from me only, sadly) for her cynical view of weddings. 

Online speculation stuck to the theory that it was all a fix and Paul and Ruby are doing it over the counters during the breaks and obviously she'll win. They came to announce it and the tension was palpable. Kimberley? Or Ruby? Come on MelnSue. TELL US. 

And then FRANCES WON. 

And the nation rejoiced. Mostly because they didn't have to fall out with each other over a baking competition.

Anyway, until they make this programme so it runs 365 days a year, I'm going to be in the corner with iPlayer watching it on repeat. Laters. 

1 comment:

  1. I was glad Frances won. While Kimberley and Ruby were busy being two different kinds of annoying, Frances contented herself with consistently making things that normal people would want to eat - and would be happy to buy. And her victory was further proof of the old gambling adage - that you should always back the outsider in a three-horse race.