People are talking about adverts a lot at the moment. Something about a rabbit and a bear. And Lily Allen. Shitey adverts peddling all sorts of balls that no one in their right mind actually wants under the guise of some kind of weird nostalgia for a 70s style Christmas that never even existed. Grab a song, any song. Stick a warbly woman's voice on it. Have someone who would make Richard Curtis look like Quentin Tarantino write the script and bada bing. You got a Christmas advert. Emote NOW proles.
But this is not the advert I want to talk about. I am a sucker for an ad with animals in, but even I was uncomfortable with the bear being yoinked out of its natural hibernation state in order to open some crappy alarm clock. Also the inter species love affair was a bit weird.
I want to talk about another new advert I saw on TV tonight.
For Vagisil. Odour Shield Wash. The intimate treatment and daily care range. Oh ladies, did you not know that you even needed this? Think on. The advertisers have a message for you.
It starts off with some kind of animation in pinks and purples (obviously) and talks about being 'real'. 'Let's be real ladies'. It says. 'We know you all sweat in your intimate area."
Do we? Intimate area? Really? Is that what we're going with?
I mean, if one is running or exercising heavily then yes, one might perspire. But it's a bit of a leap that every woman routinely leaks beads of sweat in her gusset area 24 hours a day, leaving a trail of bodily fluids in her wake.
So it goes on.
"Your sweat smells."
Does it? DOES IT?
I mean. Are you saying that I SMELL? Down THERE?
I'm pretty sure I don't. What with having a shower every day and that. I'm almost definite that I don't go around leaking smelly sweat everywhere. And I can't say I've noticed any woman doing so ever. Surely if all women who don't douse themselves in powders from Vagisil and do a twice hourly sniff test smelled then we'd notice?
But Vagisil says, all cosy like, in their new advert that I do smell. Even though I don't. And they then tell me I need to 'do something about it'. Because a lady sweating and smelling can't be allowed. Mustn't have that! What if a man should think that one sweats? And farts? And wees? Heaven FORFEND.
No, what I need is an 'intimate treatment and daily care routine'.
But I have that. I shower.
Nope. Not enough. There's an entire range of washes, creams, perfumes and powders designed to absorb any tiny smidge of natural female emission and tidy it all away masked under the smell or rose petals and fakery.
Shave every single hair from your body. Obsess constantly over whether you smell. Definitely worry while having a period - that's the time when you need the double strength perfumed pads just in case your totally natural and already unenjoyable bodily function gets in the way of a man's olfactory system.
Never mind that men freaking stink. Man smells are manly. Man smells are allowed. Man smells are rugged. Woman odours (we're not even allowed to use the word smell. We must perspire and have odours) are taboo. In 2013. Even though the vast majority of women never emit an odour from their 'intimate areas'.
But hopefully, Vagisil, they're just paranoid enough to spaff shit loads of money on snake oil and fairy water that promises to make them feel all secure in a world of insecurity created almost entirely by advertisers.
And you called your product VAGISIL for fuck's sake.
Go drown yourselves in a lake of Vagisil lotion you quacktastic paranoia peddlers.