I did really well this year. I almost forgot it was Valentine's Day at all. Until today.
And then I got my usual gloomy feeling. That itchy suspicion that every one else in the world will either wake up to piles of cards from secret yet sexy admirers. Either that or they're in such a secure, marvellous and balanced relationship that they don't need a ridiculous made up holiday to show their eternal love for their partner.
In my head, that's basically it. Every Valentines Day, there are those people above and then there's me. Practising my: "No, didn't get any this year. It's totally fine though, I'm not bothered. Oh, what lovely flowers. And a meal? Lovely. Oh, and a necklace. How fabulous."
Then crying into my cat. Every year, seriously, every year since I was six and watched every girl in the class get a card while I sat there like Carrie without the handy psychic powers, Valentine's Day has been a thorn in my side.
I know it's gobshite. I know it's meaningless. I know that well adjusted mature people don't measure their self worth by whether they get some shitty card once a year out of sheer obligation. I know I shouldn't care.
I did get flowers sent to my office once by my boyfriend at the time. Turned out it really was a meaningless, empty gesture as he accidentally slept with someone else a couple of weeks later.
So I know, in my 38th year, that it just doesn't matter. But I know that won't stop me having a tiny stab of disappointment tomorrow when I see my lovely pile of bills and junk mail. Still, at least my ma doesn't send me one 'anonymously'. That would be the last nail in the old coffin of self respect.
St Valentine by the way had fuck all to do with love and shit until Chaucer made it up for shits and giggles and to grease up to Richard II. Cheers Chaucer.
As it is I am going on a date tomorrow. With myself. I'm taking me to go and see Robocop. I'll probably treat myself to some pic n mix. Oh yeah, I know how to treat a lady.
I know it's not really like that for everyone else by the way. I'm not that far gone but just sometimes I'd like to be the manic pixie dream girl that everyone falls in love with, or the geek who turns out to be stunningly gorgeous only no one noticed till she took off her glasses, rather than the forever single cat lover in the corner.
I do really love cats though.