Monday, 21 April 2014

Holiday epiphany

This is nothing to do with Jesus and his apparent rising from the dead. It's nothing to do with religion at all. A bit like Easter.

I was thinking yesterday why I get so sad around the holidays. Whether it's Christmas or Easter or anything in between, I get blue and sad and low. Why would this be when it's a time for relaxing and celebrating and all of that jazz?

I was worried because I thought it was because I was evilly jealous of people who have families and plans and things to do and people to celebrate with. I thought it was because I'm usually on my own and it's HARD not to be lonely at these times.

But actually, it's because for the last few years at least, I've worked in bars.

I have a bad taste in my mouth about holiday times because all I see is people getting wasted. The same people come into the bar every single day of the holiday time and get completely wankered. I listen to their conversations and they don't even know what they're saying or who they're talking to. They're just braying shite at each other while greedily sucking down over priced beer like it's actually going to help anything.

Now, I'm not talking about people who go out for a nice meal and have some drinks with friends and family. That's nice to be around. That's nice to serve. That's nice to sort of almost be a part of, even if it's just bringing them stuff. I like that.

I'm talking about the people who see Christmas and Easter as a time to get ratted 24/7 for the entire duration. The kind of people who come in to the bar crowing about their hangovers. The kind of people who laugh about spending hundreds of pounds every evening on fucking booze. The kind of people who drink drive and think it's funny. The kind of people who don't consider six pints as a 'real drink'. These are the kinds of people I've spent the last few holidays and bank holidays with.

I'm kind of glad that I've worked it out. I don't want to be the bitter, lonely girl. I don't mind being the lonely girl. That's just how it is. But I don't want to be someone who resents other people for having what I don't have, or for enjoying what I can't enjoy.

I've realised that I  see a tiny fraction of people at these times of the year. Just because it's all I see doesn't mean it's all there is. It's extremely likely that this isn't exactly how everyone spends their time during the holidays. The nice ones are with family and friends enjoying good food and nice booze and conversation and connecting with each other. They're not dribbling red wine down their shirt while talking about how their girlfriends aren't trained well enough to give them enough time to themselves (real life conversation overheard last night).

I feel somewhat relieved at this epiphany as I was afraid I was becoming so lonely that I hate everything. But I don't. I just hate alcoholics.

I can live with that.

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