Sunday, 11 May 2014

Life lessons from Sushi

  1. Just because no one wanted you your whole life doesn't mean someone won't turn up eventually. I kicked it for six years on the mean streets of Romania before finding someone to love me. 
  2. Having a slightly odd body shape doesn't make you ugly. My head is a bit too small and my chest is a bit too big and my body is a bit too long but, bitch, I am fabulous. 
  3. Losing a leg is a minor blip in the life of a dog. It'd probably be worse for you but try scaling it down. Losing something you thought you needed doesn't mean you did actually need it. Say fuck it and trot on. 
  4. If you need a wee, have a wee. Don't waste time looking for the perfect place to wee, just have a little squat, squirt it out and move on. 
  5. Falling in love online works. Loads of people saw my photo and fell in love. Naturally. I am a beaut. And one person fell in love so hard that she brought me home. 
  6. Just because a dog is sniffing round your backside doesn't mean you have to let him. I choose to sit down if I don't fancy them. Just sit right down and ignore them. Eventually they go away. 
  7. The best things in life are free. Outside, sunshine, wind and squirrels. They're all free. Chappie isn't free and I also like Chappie but it kind of is for me because I'm a dog, so I don't pay for anything. 
  8. Sometimes if you really really want something, it just falls in your lap. Just the other day I really really wanted to chase a squirrel and then one fell right out of the tree onto the floor in front of me. Amazing. I chased it immediately and had approx 2.7 seconds of feeling like a proper hunter. 
  9. A winning smile can get you what you want. I find if I turn my chocolate drop eyes on people then they generally give me something to eat. Try it. It works. 
  10. Being a bit tubby doesn't mean that once in a while you shouldn't enjoy the crusts of the toast. Just eat 'em and worry about it later. Maybe work it off with some squirrel chasing or fox bothering. 
  11. It's OK to avoid people who make you uncomfortable. I like to avoid children, men in hats, men in coats, men on motorbikes, men in vans and women with long hippy skirts on. It works out pretty well. 
  12. Just because everyone else likes something doesn't mean you have to. I hate the sea. Beaches suck. Everyone is always telling me that because I'm a dog I should love getting cold, wet and sandy. Well, I don't. So I just refuse to go. Simple. 
  13. If someone's leading you in one direction and you want to go in another just sit down. Sitting down is one of my main pieces of advice. If you sit down and refuse to budge then they'll either pick you up and carry you (wish is nice) or they will give in to your protest (also nice). 
  14. Feel free to take a shit anywhere you like because there will be some schmuck trailing behind you to shovel it up and carry it around in a plastic bag for the next hour. 
  15. Just because some people are massive assholes doesn't mean everyone is. At one point I was alone, unloved, hit by a car and left to die in the middle of the road. Assholes, right? Massive massive assholes. But then a nice lady took me to another nice lady and it turns out that the ratio of assholes in this world is most likely about 50/50. I can work with that. 
  16. Never give up hope. Being unwanted doesn't generally last forever. Unless you're David Cameron. No one wants that moon faced loony. I'm just a small mutt from Craovia. I could have died horribly on the streets. I could have died when the car hit me or when they chopped my leg off. But I didn't. And now I'm here. Having a lovely time and being loved lots and lots. Funny old world innit. 

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