Right. New Year's Resolutions time. Awesome. These always work out so well.
I pledge to:
1. Give up smoking. OH WAIT, I already did that.
2. Write a book. OH HANG ON. I already did that.
3. Adopt a dog. HOLD UP, I already did that.
Ahhhh. That was nice. A bit of back slapping never goes amiss, even if you're doing it to yourself. Fnarr.
I actually didn't make resolutions to do any of those, as it goes.
I'd already adopted Sushi before the end of last year, I had no faith in myself to quit smoking and I assumed I would fail again to write a book.
Maybe it's better to start the year with zero expectations and then just kind of have a bash as the year goes on?
The ways we can make ourselves feel guilty are myriad. Sometimes I think I am actually Catholic at heart. I manage to feel guilt over pretty much everything. Situations that have absolutely nothing to do with me. All the times I put on a pound. All the times I piss someone off. All the times someone pisses me off. It's a very tedious way to live.
For 2015 (and holy motherfucking shitballs, how did we get to the actual future guys? And how is it so exactly the same as the 1980s?) I pledge to do nothing. Fuck it. I might actually just get into bed on New Year's Day and not ever get up again. Florence Nightingale did it, so why can't I?
Now that Ebola has hit our shores (one case in Glasgow hospital - it is the end times), the economy continues in freefall, I can't make enough money to live in a shoebox and I have no idea what to do with my life STILL, I'm just going to take 2015 as it comes.
Fuck resolutions, fuck beating myself up over not being as good as other people at shit, fuck worrying all the time about the stuff I haven't done, the things I don't have and where the hell I'm going to live and work. It'll all fall into place. Or not. Either way I'm breathing in and out and I don't have Ebola. Yet. So that's a good way to start the new year I reckon.
Merry new year and all of that shizzle to anyone reading this. May 2015 vomit joy and good fortune over your duvet every day. And if not, then just do what makes you feel the least crappy. I reckon that's the best way to go.